Why me?

   A year ago today, some new friends of ours, the Stampers, got some news that changed their lives forever. Aaron, the son/brother had M5 Acute Myeloid Leukemia. Whatever they had planned for the rest of their day, week, month, year, and life was in that moment suddenly unimportant. About 10 weeks ago, on June 4th, Aaron's life on earth was concluded and his new life began.

   I never met Aaron in person, but I have gotten to know him a little through following his last days on Caring Bridge and talking to some of the people that knew him. He is someone I think I would have thoroughly enjoyed spending time with. This may be hard for people to understand or believe, but I really wish he was here. Aaron indirectly played a significant role in our decision to move to Erwin, TN and he even showed me what could be accomplished in this community by filling the church where I work with people who were touched by his life.

   I am thinking a lot today, and every day, about Aaron, his dad Tim, his mom Sandi, and his sister Andrea. I've been wearing this hard to ignore orange bracelet since his memorial service. My feet still have blisters from the half-marathon I walked at Relay For Life, in memory of Aaron and some other friends and family lost to cancer. I have days like today marked in my calendar. For the last couple of hours I've been sitting in a pew in a dark, empty sanctuary praying, reading, and writing all for someone I never met and a family I am just getting to know.

   Why?

   It's not because I'm some "spiritual giant" or trying to prove something. I think the honest answer lies somewhere in the question that has been at the forefront of my mind lately.

   Why me?

   In a crisis, we ask "Why me?" just to try and make some sense of our world falling apart. I think it would make life less complicated for me to believe that some things just happen and there is no reason for it, but I don't buy that. My natural response to a crisis is to seek out a purpose for it, even though I may never find an answer that satisfies me. My faith in God and his character tells me that the purpose for which God does or allows things to happen that are painful for me is ultimately good. Yet it can still be a struggle to avoid dwelling too long in pity or overcoming the ungodly answers people come up with for why something has happened. Spending too much time on this "Why me?" leads to bitterness and cynicism towards God and others.

   In compassion, we ask "Why me?" from a totally different perspective. When you can get past the idea that the world revolves around you, and actually begin to see and feel the pain of the people around you a new challenge emerges. We have to ask ourselves why do we have it so good when others have it so bad. I've wrestled a lot today with the fact that I get to go home and play with my son. I get to spend time with my brother who is visiting from Florida. When I walk in the door of my home my wife and daughter are not beaten down by grief. I am blessed beyond anything I deserve, while others feel tortured beyond anything they deserve. This is not a bad realization, but if I'm not careful I begin to feel guilt instead of gratitude for God's blessing, and who am I to say that what feels like torture to someone may in fact ultimately become God's blessing for them.

   Today I am asking "Why me?" for a different reason though. I am after God's calling. Clearly I am here at this time in history, in this corner of the world, among this group of people, with my set of circumstances for God's purpose. Not because I think I am so important, but because I can not make any sense of the recent series of events in my life unless someone orchestrated it. Why is it me here instead of one of you? I don't really know. I was happy where I was and thought I was being pretty productive. What exactly am I supposed to do here? I don't have a clue. I've never passed this way before. Will I be successful? Only God can know. All I can say is, "God, here I am. Be glorified in me today."

   Would you take a moment today and consider what God might be calling you to?


In Christ,

Andy